Delusion

27th April, 2016
Gardens Point

5:23 PM

Dear Diary,
There are so many interrelated meanings of this word, Delusion. But I would like to pick up the distant but common one, মতিভ্রম…!

I haven’t brought my regular diary today, hence writing on you. Everytime, I start writing here in this diary, my expression started to get change. I presume my keyboard can’t type those words and expressions that does by my Pen! Over the last 36 hours, I think I slept more than 24 hours. I woke late, just came before the meeting at 1:30 PM. I attended the meeting, then just wrote a review of a write up by  Professor Kaberi Gayen Madam. I like her spirit and used to write feedback on her write ups in our group. I think she also likes my feedback. Although it is useless! As I don’t want to go back BD, so I should focus on a new network. Hence this interaction is completely meaningless, waste of time. But unfortunately I am completely embezzled with all of those meaningless stuffs, I wonder.
We had a cultural festival today at QUT, I suppose to attend there.  But…well. something is not settled down. I guess, I need more sleep.

What are the other meanings of Delusion?

Dear Diary, I am thinking about some equations. Those equations were born once upon a time. It was kinda important equations for my life, ..my life. Once I possess them, it started to solve some mysteries. I tried to alter the equations, because I don’t want to unveil those. But I couldn’t, a good part of those equations developed from my absence mind, holding and controlling by someone else.
I know, my life is not that valuable to be controlled by someone or something in my absence. So, I am literally in two minds.

Am I really in two minds?

আমি একটা গালীর অভিধান নামিয়েছি বেশ আগে। বাংলা গালীর অভিধান। এমনও অভিধান পাওয়া যাবে, ওয়েল, ইট ওয়াজ বিওয়ান্ড অফ মাই এক্সপেক্টেশন। হাউয়েভার, আমি পেয়েছি। আমি মাঝে মাঝে এই অভিধানের শব্দ গুলো উচ্চারন করি। আমার কথা শুনলে যে কেউ ই ভাববে আমি পাগল, আর না হলে অবশ্যই পাগল হতে যাচ্ছি…! কি জানি, হয়তো। তবে, গালী দেওয়াতে যে কি প্রশান্তি।

Once I never let anything unsolicited penetrate inside me. I thought, it would made me incomplete. আমি বিশ্বাস করতাম, একজন মানুষের ভিতরে সব কিছু না থাকলেও চলে, কিন্তু ধীরে ধীরে সেই বিশ্বাসে চিড় ধরেছে। গালী দেওয়াও মানসিক জীবনের জন্য দরকারী একটা উপকরন।

“…আমি কিভাবে একা থাকবো।”
An expression from a long ago, …where a postulation once formed. This postulation has deduced some twisted events several times very awkwardly, showed me the bitter side of the reality.

Anyway,
বাংলাদেশে বিশ্ববিদ্যালয় প্রফেশন খুবই আনপ্রডাক্টিভ আর অসন্মানিত স্থানে পৌছেছে। I should focus on this point now, just on this point.

I need to be self motivated. The time I am going through is undoubtedly one of the most valuable time of my life. I need to better use of it, should be the only concern in this voyager. Someday the success will advocate me, insallah.

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